Come to the Dark Side - we have cookies

I is baking cookies today. and I am praying they turn out alright, because I had to convert everything listed in my recipe into metric units. So right now I'm mentally in the act of offering up a sacrifice to the Baking Gods.

I'm going to post it anyways, since I spent 6 hours composing it on paper first.

This isn't going to sound all poetic. When I write or say something it tends to come out like word vomit. It might sound blunt, puzzling, incoherent, probably hurtful...but this is just how it is. I don't know why, but somehow it is a little bit easier for me to to verbalize my thoughts than it is for me to immortalize them on paper...I think maybe it's the added pressure to sound poetic, profound, insightful, BECAUSE the words are preserved and not just vanishing into the ether. Anyways, I'll try to be coherent - if I haven't failed at that already.

I'm just going to start with some facts, just to lay things out: You are married, and you have a beautiful baby girl. You love your wife, as you should, and I don't begrudge either of you that, not at all, not even for an instant. I don't know what it is that draws you to me. I don't think it's something I'll ever understand. I don't doubt you when you say you love me, I just don't know/understand what your reasons are. Probably the same way you don't understand how people care for you. I haven't sat down and talked about this with both you and Rachel, but from what you have told me, not only would she be alright with a relationsip between you and me, she encourages it. At this point, I would like to say that although this view is admittedly unconventional, I don't think 'ill' of her, or think she is messed up, or anything like that, for having such a view. And I mean it when I say that; it's not something I'm saying just to be saying it or just to sound nice.

But here's where I get confused. I'm sure you recall the first time that you and I kissed, outside on my patio, sitting on the rail (can you believe that was almost 2 years ago already?). I had never even talked to Rachel before (not since 7th grade, at least, when we were in the same English class for about 3 days), but I remember you telling me something along the lines of her saying it was ok if you and I ever kissed, because she knew how much I meant to you, or something...Well, so it happened, right? And I remember that at first you said you probably weren't going to tell her that it happened, but you eventually did. And I guess (from what you told me, anyways) she said she was really hurt by it, and she didn't think she would be. So I guess what I am saying confuses me is how she is alright with the idea of us in a relationship, when before it was so hurtful when we had only kissed. I'm guessing you've probably said something about the night before I left, (it's fine if you did, I guess I'm just speculating out loud). So, knowing that, was it still ok? Were there really no hurt feelings?


Second thing is when I read your blog entry about Rachel choosing to do what she did with another man. You said you felt betrayed, because you didn't approve of him, and that you would have been fine with it if it had been with someone you approved of. That specific incident is between you and Rachel, and and is not something for me to pass judgement on. But, I can't help but think, 'what about me?' Like, if you and I were to ever have sex, do you think you'd be the only person I'll ever have sex with for the rest of my life? If I'm honest, I'll say that I don't. But maybe you hope that. I don't know, I don't want to be putting words in your mouth. Again, me and my out-loud speculation. So, would that mean I'd have to get your approval of every person that I might potentially sleep with? I've always said this, and you've always sort of denied it, but I still feel it - like I'm on some sort of pedestal when it comes to you. And it's not something I particularly like (whether or not it is true). Something else, since I'm sure it's crossed your mind a hundred times: Every guy has this fantasy, right? To be the girl's first, to be the one to take her virginity, to set the precedent, right? Well, what if I met somebody, and we hit it off, and he was the first? I don't care this time if I'm technically putting words in your mouth, or how much you might deny it, you'd be pretty upset at this. Probably hurt your image of me, or think it's a reflection of my esteem for you. But, if I'm being honest, I don't care if this upsets an image of me. Because like I said, I don't like feeling like I have a standard to live up to. And that it what I constantly feel like with you.

And I will be honest about something else, too. The night before I left - the more I kept thinking about it, the more upset I got. I kept saying no, that I didn't want to go any further right then (I believe my exact words were 'Respect the boundary'). I know I 'technically' consented, but again, when I thought and thought about it, I began to resent it, because I realized that I only allowed it because I felt pressured into it, like I owed you. What was I going to do? You hitch-hiked all the way over to my house to see me while I was upset. But I don't like that I feel like I compromised myself. I don't like feeling that way, so I won't be doing anything that makes me feel that way ever again. The more I thought about it (that's what I do, I overthink things), the more I realized that I felt disrespected. Taken advantage of, even. Especially when the next day or the day after I read your blog entry, and find out that you and Rachel were sort of on the outs. So, to put it bluntly, I felt kind of used.

You're probably thinking, why didn't I say anything at the time? It's mostly because I felt obligated. And then you wrote in your blog entry that, even though it wasn't my intent, I 'saved' you. And that I didn't say 'I love you,' but that I may as well have said it. I am a selfish person, and I don't want to save anyone. Because I am only 19 years old, and I have the rest of my life to be shouldering responsibilites that I don't want, or can't really handle. I can't be under the added pressure of bringing you back up every time you're down, not in that capacity.

And I know something for sure now. I love you, but not in the same way you love me. It is a deep affection, and I am sure it will always be there until the end of days. But the thing with me is, I'm kind of messed up, or damaged, or broken or something. I feel like I can detatch love and sex from each other, yet at the same time still be a hopeless romantic. By this I mean that I could probably have sex with someone without being in love with them first, for the physical gratification, but my heart wouldn't be in it (so to speak), and I'll still crave that emotional gratification. And that's not a fair thing to do to someone, when they're expecting you to be emotionally available, that you're heart is on the same page, and it's just not. So I won't tell you that you can't love me, and I'll always care for you, but I can't do it in the way you want me to.

Do you know what my number-one goal in life is? This isn't even something I can tell my mother, because I'm embarassed to tell it to her, or anyone else even, for that matter. It's not something insipid like 'become fluent in Japanese,' or 'go to Japan,' or anything like that. Do you want to know what it is? I want to meet the one person who renders me completely and utterly unable to breathe. I want to meet the person who makes my heart squeeze to the point of pain just by seeing him. I want the butterflies in my stomach, the rapid pulse, the inability to think properly when I'm around him. I want to be in love, and I despair that it will ever happen to me. Not because I think I am unlovable, but because I think I am incapable of that kind of love. It frustrates me to no end to see everybody around me feling this way, like part of some exclusive club. I see Leanna, so giddy in love with Pierce she's pretty much thrown her life away, and I don't understand it at all. But I want to. I want to be able to understand it, and I don't think there's anything in the world that I want more.

If you remember, the night before I left, when we were messing around, I commented a few times on how your heart was beating so fast. The reason I kept saying it was because mine just wasn't. The whole time, I couldn't help but think and overthink and think again and wonder why I just wasn't more into it, why I couldn't 'let go' like you're supposed to at times like that. Probably because deep down I already knew that I'm not meant for this picture.

I think the concept of 'soul mates' is often a misleading one. I think a person has several soul mates throughout their lifetime, and that their purpose is to teach the other something new about themselves, to help them grow and mature as a person. I think you and I were that for each other. But, I also think that, while I don't believe in a God, I think there is some sort of cosmic, balancing natural force of nature, and thinks end up the way they do for a reason. I think you are already with the person life destined you to be with. Together, you have created a beautiful, adorable daughter, and you are a loving family - something I don't think you've ever really had.

Cherish that. I want that for myself too, someday. I know I'll want somebody I could see myself having kids with. I don't expect this out of every man I enter a relationship with, but I know that one day it'll be a deal-breaker. I want a man with whom I can 'let go' and not always overthink things. I want to find somebody and not have to share them with anybody else. Odd as it sounds, I want to love somebody in such a way that I'm jealous of any time they spend with anyone other than me. I want to finally experience that jealousy, and understand it. I want to meet the person whose company I constantly crave, like a drug. Maybe I've read too many trashy romance novels, or something. But it's still something I want, and, selfishly, I'd rather end up alone at the end of my life than feel like I settled at the beginning of it.

All of this is probably really hurtful - or maybe I'm only flattering myself - but I can't force myself to be anything less than honest. As much as you want me to, I just can't do this. For all the reasons I've already stated, and for many more I can't think of a way to express. I won't apologize for feeling the way I do, or for not being what you want me to be. But I am sorry if I have hurt your feelings in the process. It wasn't what I wanted. I will always care for you, and will always want to be your friend, but that is the most I can be, and it's not right to anybody to pretend otherwise.

Don't read this and spiral into depression. Because no matter how clichéd 'It's not you, it's me,' sounds, it is the blunt, honest truth. You are already married to the person you are meant to be with. Now, I'm just waiting for mine. I might meet him tomorrow. I might meet him the day that I die. The only certainty is that, intentional or not, you have helped me as a person, and for that, I am always grateful. And I've run out of things to say at this point, other than I will always wish for the health and happiness of you and Rachel and Mara. I know I'll still need you in my life. I just hope we can be that, at least - two people with a deep friendship and respect for each other. Because, even if I never find what I'm looking for, I can never say that my life was empty, that it never had any meaning.

The Hard Way

Alright David, here you are :D

So, the first Saturday that I was here (which was like 2 days after I got here) I went out drinking with my cousin Alex, my cousin Domenica aka Niki, and her boyfriend Jürgen (man I hope I spelled that right...). Now, where my aunt and uncle live is a relatively small village called Horn, which is about an hour away from Vienna. The drinking age here (here as in Austria, not just the village) is 16, so obviously I meet that requirement. We went to a pub whose name I can't even remember, but it was small and really nice, and pretty busy with the youth of the village - 'youth' meaning anybody 30 and under, lol. we sat down at a table in the corner where it was completely unoccupied, and I basically told Alex to order me things he thought were good, since I don't get to drink that often and didn't really know too much about what I liked and what I didn't. So we all started off with a beer. And, for about €2 - abzóut $3 - you get twice the amount of beer you'd get at an American bar, and it tastes waaaaaayy better, too. Then Alex got us something called a 'Ferrari,' which is red bull and something else, some kind of liquor, I don't remember, but it tasted sweet. It was really good. Then I think I had another beer, and then another Ferrari. Now, I don't normally get to drink a whole lot, but a few times Leanna has had friends over and I drink A LOT, of al different kinds of things, and I don't get sick (i.e., no puking, no 'spins,' no hangover the next day). Then I asked Alex to order me something stronger, so he ordered me what if I recall was a vanilla-flavored rum & coke. I think I had 2 of those before I asked for something stronger, and he and I each had a shot of marillen (Austrian German word for apricots - German German is apricosen) schnapps, and then I think I had one more rum and coke. After that the pub was closing, but keep in mind it was about 330 am by this time. so we paid our tab and then moved on to the next pub which was right on down the block. Oh! I forgot to mention, while we were at the first pub I met a lot of Niki and Alex's friends who were all out drinking as well. I met Niki's best friend Tini, nickname for Cristine, I think, and Tini's boyfriend Reinhard, and they're both really cool. Tini is super nice and is ALWAYS smiling, I remember thinking 'I wish I could be that way...' lol. and Reinhard is really funny, I don't remember a whole lot of what we talked about, but I know we talked a lot, lol. At one point we were singing Bloodhound Gang songs together (!!), haha. My German got progressively better the more I drank, and while I thought everybody's English was excellent, they told me it was the same for them as well, that their English got better the drunker they got. Everybody tried teaching some new words in German. Not anything *useful* but it was still a lot of fun. I have those words written down on a piece of paper somewhere, lol. (On a side note, Niki and Alex speak more or less perfect English, but a lot of that probably comes from the fact that their mother is sort of a native speaker. Alex even speaks English with an American accent! I nearly shit a brick when I heard him.) Okay, so we went to the next pub. Niki and Jürgen left about a half hour later (at 4 am) but I wanted to stay, which meant Alex had to stay with me. There I met Tini's brother Georg (I think that's how it's spelled, it's basically the German name for George, pronounced 'gay-org,' but kind of mashed into one syllable). Of course, he was also nice. I remember looking outside the pub windows and it was getting light out! I was like, WTF?? So Alex and I left shortly after that, it was about 530 am at this point, and it sure as hell didn't feel as if we were at that pub for 2 whole hours (oh, while I was there, I had another beer, another rum and coke, and I finished Niki's beer). We all went outside the pub prepared to go our separate ways and go home, and I called everybody together for a group hug, since it was the funnest night I could ever remember having. so Alex and I walked back home, and we went upstairs to go to sleep. Well, pretty much as soon as I lay down and closed my eyes, I started to get dizzy. So I went into the bathroom and waited to see if I was going to throw up, since I didn't feel so good. Not surprisingly, I did, but not a whole lot, and when there was a break in the flow (for lack of a better phrase, lol) I went to my room to get my blanket so I could sleep on the bathroom floor in case I suddenly had to puke again. I remember that at one point I fell asleep with my face against the toilet seat, haha. but then I snuggled into my comforter and passed out. Then the next morning (probably just a couple of hours later) I woke up when my uncle came into the bathroom when he woke up. I guess he was a little confused at first, but apparently I said something to him like 'I think I'll be a little more careful next time.' I later heard from Niki that he thought it was kind of funny. Heck, even I thought it was funny. So I slept for a few more hours, then got up in time for lunch. I actually didn't have a hangover at all, but I was really, really tired, so after lunch I went back to sleep for a few more hours. And actually, for about 3 days after that, the left side of my face and my bottom lip were numb, which I'm sure was from falling asleep with my face on the toilet seat - unconscious bodies are heavier for some reason, and I probably rested right on a nerve in my face. In any case, It's back to normal.

...So, that is my story. Gonna do it all again when Alex comes back from Vienna when he's got time off from work in a couple of weeks. :)

Some Observations

some observations - of my short time in Austria so far:

1. Austrian beer tastes better than American beer. And it is wayyyyy stronger (found this out the hard way).
2. Everybody is really, really, really nice.
3. EVERYBODY SMOKES!!
4. They all say that their English is not so good, when in fact it is pretty damn good.
5. They like when I try to talk in German, or at least are nice when I make a mistake, and they like to teach me new German words.
6. For the most part, all the guys here are more attractive than American guys.
7. People greet each other with a kiss on both cheeks :)
8. They are really fun to hang out with.

This is what I have noticed in 4 days.

Umm...Minus 2 Days!

so i've been here since yesterday evening (for me, it was 5 pm when i got here so that means it was about 8 am AZ time). i got from phoenix to chicago alright, and once i got there i realized again just why i hate O'Hare airport. had to wait in line for almost an hour to get my passport checked in order to enter terminal 5 (the international terminal) and then i had to pass through security AGAIN. at least my gate was right there, right? well, i went to the gate that was printed out on my boarding pass, and sat there and waited, but after a little bit my sixth sense told me something was up. so i went and checked a monitor and found out that my flight had been moved to one gate over. not so bad, i still had plenty of time to walk a few meters over. easy enough. so then they start boarding, and they're checking passports and boarding passes again. so i go to have them check mine, and i'm told that because this is a LOT Polish flight and my boarding pass was issued through United, that i have to check in at the gate desk. which made me kind of pissed because in phoenix when they gave me all 3 of my boarding passes they told me i wouldn't have to check in at any of the gates. anyways, after i did that, i was able to get on the plane, which was a 9.5 hour flight to Warsaw, Poland. it was one of those 3-row type setups (there's two aisles because there are seats placed on either side of the plane along by the windows as well as a set of seats right in the middle. you know?) i ended up in an aisle seat right next to some older lady who wouldn't stop yakking my ear off. apparently she is from san francisco and was taking a trip to Ukraine for some sort of river tour. 90% of the passengers on this plane were Polish, haha. they showed some sort of Polish cartoon, they showed an E! documentary, they showed some music videos, they showed Sherlock Holmes, and they showed Night At the Museum (pt. I). since the plane left a half an hour late i realized that when i got to Warsaw i was going to have to really hurry to my gate, which sucked because i had less than 20 minutes to make it, and i didn't even know which gate it was at because it hadn't been printed on my boarding pass. Luckily, as soon as i exited the gate there were monitors and i was able to quickly identify which gate my connection was at. i had to pass through immigration (poland wasn't my final destination, but since it is also an EU country, they stamped it there, so i didn't have to have anyone look at it in Austria). and after that i had to pass through security - again - but luckily this time it only took about 30 seconds. another 60 seconds later and i was at my gate, which was good timing because they had already started boarding; i was one of the last people to get on. if the flight from chicago had been another 15 minutes late, then i definitely would not have made it. this flight from Warsaw to Vienna was only about 2/3 full and only took 55 minutes, much less time than i had anticipated. we finally land in Vienna and from there i find my way to baggage claim. lo and behold, my bag is not among the rest. After waiting to see if maybe my bag would pop out at the last minute (i waited long enough for a new flight's bags to start appearing from the same carousel), i conceded that i would have to notify the lost and found - what i figured was that since i only had 20 minutes to make my connection, it was highly unlikely that my bag also made it, but would probably make the next flight out from Warsaw. i went into the lost and found office and talked to a really nice lady who had me fill out a customs form and asked me to describe the bag and give her an address to which it could be delivered once it came in (which i did). then she printed out a confirmation page for me, and i was good to go. i exited the baggage claim area to head outside to start looking for my aunt, and they actually spotted me first, haha. my aunt Barbara was there along with my cousins Alex and Mathew. Alex is 25, almost 26 and his english is really, really good - he is a native German speaker and when he speaks English i don't hear an accent, he sounds just like an American. there a few words that come out British-sounding but he says this is due to conversing with one of his British friends.

i planned to write more, but it's 230 am here and i should get to sleep. Tschüss :)

8 days!

Tomorrow is my last final (Japanese) and I'm going to totally breeze through it. After my final is over in the afternoon, I'm going to finish moving my stuff out of my dorm, and then Wednesday afternoon I'll officially check out. I can't believe my first year in college is already over. Seriously, no matter how "eh" or nonchalant I come off, I'm quite floored. I feel like the second semester passed by even faster than the first. Soon it will be August again, and time to start classes again. If I haven't done it already, I'll post my tentative class schedule sometime in the next few days. In the meantime, I'm getting ready for my vacation - man, I'm so excited! I called the bank today to have some Euros ordered, they said they'll have 'em by Thursday and I can pick 'em up then. My aunt told me to only change USD$200 worth, and that if it turns out I need more, then she'll buy them off me. ...I'm sure I'm going to need more, but she's being really, really nice because she's already expecting to buy me pretty much anything. Of course, I'm not going to take advantage of her like that, but it's still nice. I've been requested to bring over a few things, like Cheetos, Kraft macaroni and cheese, Kool-Aid, and fajita mix...lol. What was really funny was when I was talking to my aunt about which types of Kool-Aid she wanted me to bring (because as you know there are a ton of flavors). She said "Oh, I don't know...anything, I guess. Except grape. Well, maybe a grape, just to remind me of how much I hate it." hahahaha. And then when I was talking to one of my cousins via Facebook, I mentioned that his mother wanted Kool-Aid, and he said "Yup, mom can't go long without her Kool-Aid." To me, there's just something about the mental image of a 50-year-old Austrian lady going nuts over Kool-Aid that I find totally hilarious. :)

Anyways, I leave next Wednesday, and my cell phone won't work over there. So I won't be able to respond to text messages/phone calls (obviously), but I will still have regular (I'm assuming) access to a computer and the Internet, so should still be able to frequent Facebook, Blogger, e-mail, all that jazz. So, just a heads-up.

8 days! Yesss!!~~

The best shirt to ever emerge from Japan (possibly)

Oh, those crazy Japanese are at it again: