Word Vomit.

The title is pretty self-explanatory. But I have to say it or else I'm going to pop.

I'm a fucking moron. But then, I'd have to be, doing what I did. I don't know how, but in the last week and a half I've turned into a greedy, selfish bitch, and I don't like this side of myself. But that doesn't mean I like that side of you, either.

I get your "word" crap. You say I don't, but that's not true. Just because I refuse to believe it doesn't mean I don't understand the "bigger picture," and to say that is disrespectful.

Why are you so proud to be "cruel" and "vicious"? Do you enjoy hurting me or others? And none of that "those words only have what meaning you attach to them" bullshit. It's one thing not to give a shit about what other people think and other entirely to crush them.

I know you have a life of your own, and obligations. I get it. Respect it, even. I'm sure we both know we are just using each other, and I'm fine with that. You don't want anything more, and at this point, neither do I. Or maybe I do, who the hell knows? But what I'm NOT fine with is being disrespected. Maybe it's just your tired babbling, like you said. Or maybe it's not. I don't get why you are never like this when you are right here next to me, but you are over the Internet. What, does the Internet give you cojones or something? People say and do hurtful things to me all the time, but I am not easily hurt. But now, you don't even recognize the ways you hurt me, do you? It's partly my fault, for letting it hurt. That knowledge makes it hurt worse. And so on, like a cycle, ad nauseum.

You say you're happy, and maybe you are, maybe you aren't. All I ever want to do is make you happy, but it's like that's impossible. It makes me sick that I sit here crying and listening to shitty music, wondering why I'm such a problem. Why does it make me sick? I won't admit that I love you, because that means admitting you have power over me, and I can't give you that. Further, such an admission would likely only complicate the problem and make it worse. Or maybe that's exactly the problem. I don't fucking know.

But it's not all these things that make me a fucking moron. There's bigger reasons. Like the fact that I still fucking want you. I must be a glutton for punishment. I feel like I'm wasting my energy, constantly seeking your approval, but feeling like I'm never getting it. I've long felt this way, but it's really intensified in only the last week and a half. It's so stupid. Why does sex have to complicate things? I hate it.

I was serious when I said it felt like you were avoiding me. Again, I am aware you have a life and actually do other things, but I couldn't help but feel EXTRA avoided. It's stupid.

You've ruined me for other men, cliche as that sounds. It's not fair. I feel like I won't ever care about anyone else in the same capacity. Also stupid. I don't want to get close to other men, or let them get close to me. It's all just a stupid back-and-forth game, and I don't want to play it. Even stupider, because I'm way too young to be this jaded. All I know is that right now, right this second, as upset and hurt as I am, all I want is to feel your hands on me, running through my hair, over my face, my hips, my legs, everything. That's the most stupid. I constantly think about it. I'm like a frigging GUY. I feel powerless to it, and clearly I don't like that.

I just don't know what to do anymore.

I can't tell you what it really is
I can only tell you what it feels like
And right now it's a steel knife in my windpipe
I can't breathe but I still fight while I can fight
As long as the wrong feels right it's like I'm in flight
High off of love, drunk from my hate,
It's like I'm huffing paint and I love it the more I suffer, I suffocate
And right before I'm about to drown, she resuscitates me
She fucking hates me and I love it.

Now I know we said things, did things that we didn't mean
And we fall back into the same patterns, same routine
But your temper's just as bad as mine is
You're the same as me
But when it comes to love you're just as blinded
Baby, please come back
It wasn't you, baby it was me
Maybe our relationship isn't as crazy as it seems
Maybe that's what happens when a tornado meets a volcano
All I know is I love you too much to walk away though
Come inside, pick up your bags off the sidewalk
Don't you hear sincerity in my voice when I talk
I told you this is my fault
Look me in the eyeball
Next time I'm pissed, I'll aim my fist at the drywall
Next time. There won't be no next time
I apologize even though I know its lies
I'm tired of the games I just want her back
I know I'm a liar
If she ever tries to fucking leave again
Im'a tie her to the bed and set this house on fire